Being derby girls, we are obsessed with ass. Normal women worry that their asses look too big; not us. We want our asses so big and padded they constitute a serious obstacle to other women. We like to use our asses to bruise our friends, and expect them to appreciate it. We’re even willing to put panties on our heads in front of a crowd. This is not normal.
So we celebrate our asses, but we also get to fall on them a lot. Ouchie. Padded pants seemed like a smart idea – not only would they protect against the ouchies, but they would make our asses even more formidable! So we tried some on, but they seemed to place more emphasis on armouring the crotch than bigging up the ass. Perhaps they were designed by men? Things weren’t going our way. In addition to our lack of padded pants, we also had no costumes for Salon Rouge. What could we do? The answer was obvious: make the biggest, most paddedest asses we could possibly make. Out of large piles of stuffed toys. Thus creating: super bad-ass teddy bearlesque.
This was a task that required bin-bag loads of charity shopping. We bought animals, then went back and bought more animals – it was amazing how many animals the asses could take. We hoped we wouldn’t end up wearing anything donated by children who had lice. Or scabies. Or scarlet fever. Nothing a thorough dousing with febreze couldn’t fix though, surely?
We didn’t bother offering people cupcakes this time, we just barged right on past them with our formidable asses. We barged each other, did the shaky-shaky with our animals, and played a bit of full-contact musical chairs. And we were nice and warm. Really warm. Not only were we really, really toasty furry warm, falling was fun. It didn’t hurt, and sometimes the toys on our asses went squeak.
And so did AWESOME SOCK MONKEY! Captain Carnage was going to take him to a Megadeth gig, but AWESOME SOCK MONKEY likes a bit of glamour, and he wanted to go some place there’d be lots of girls walking around in their panties.
And he wasn’t disappointed – look at his happy little face. There were panties a-plenty (on asses, not heads), a nice clown, a scary clown, a woman painted gold (but she didn’t suffocate through her skin, don’t worry), some impressive twirling of more nipple tassles, and man who sang a jolly song abut self-harm. Another splendid night at Salon Rouge.
Thanks to the Salon Rouge crew for having us again, and to Andrew Stubbs, Alan Hussein Parker (Captain of the Romsey Town Rollerbillies All Male Cheerleading Team), and X-Ray Bex for the photos.